Jacob Grier, staff writer
November 18, 2003
As U. S. troops are spread ever thinner around the world in the War on Terrorism, the Defense Department has begun advertising for people to once again fill the nation’s draft boards. While this distresses many people, an unexpected group has decided to answer the call of duty: libertarians.
“When we first heard the news, we were alarmed, of course,” said Chester Benz, president of the Nashville Libertarian Society. “We were all set to just write angry posts on our weblogs like we always do when we’re mad at the government, but then we had an idea – why not volunteer for the draft boards ourselves?”
Many libertarians agreed, and in the past week over a thousand have been appointed to seats on draft boards across the country. If the draft is reinstated, these boards will be responsible for deciding who will go to war and who will get deferments. Chester Benz and others like him promise the easiest deferment standards in the history of the United States.
“I remember my dad telling me how he escaped going to ‘Nam,” recalls Benz. “He went out to the garage and my uncle whacked him across the shins with a two-by-four. He couldn’t walk for months.”
Benz says those days are over. With libertarians in charge, such drastic measures will no longer be needed. “A paper cut, a sunburn, a scar from childhood. That’s all we’ll require to let a guy off the hook.”
The libertarians also promise lower standards for obtaining “conscientious objector” status, which previously required a deep spiritual opposition to war. Now a strong dislike of eating military food or wearing camouflage will likely be sufficient grounds to win this exemption.
While young men across the country are pleased with this development, the reaction among libertarians has been mixed. Bill McCuen, organizer of the famous Free State Project, is angry that his program is now on hold. “We had 10,000 libertarians packing their bags to move to New Hampshire. Now they’re all staying home to serve on the draft boards. Is that really more important than creating a capitalist Utopia?”
New Hampshire Governor Craig Benson agrees. “This delay has been an economic disaster for our state. Our real estate market has collapsed. Plus, out of 10,000 libertarians, at least 9,000 were probably going to be computer programmers. That would have been great for our tech sector. I guess its back to making furniture for us.”
The Libertarian Party, however, is thrilled with this turn of events. Says Party Chair Michelle Davis, “We never dreamed we’d have this many Libertarians in office. Granted, we are not talking about illustrious elected positions, but the best we had till now was a county coroner in Wyoming. The potential nightmare of renewed draft boards has become a dream come true for us!”
(c) 2003 Jacob Grier.