Free Dr Pepper for everyone

My friend Mike notes that Dr Pepper will offer a free soda to every person in America this year — but only if Guns n Roses releases their fifteen-year-old, $13 million boondoggle album Chinese Democracy. I couldn’t care less about the album, but free Dr Pepper is good, especially if it’s from Dublin.

Oddly enough, the idea of enticing Axl Rose with Dr Pepper was sort of floated on this blog way back in 2003. If you weren’t reading the blog back then, the entry won’t make any sense. Actually, it won’t make any sense even if you were reading. This site had strange beginnings.

All hail Thomas Pearson

tortilla.gifTonight, my friends, was not a high point in the career of the Queso Crusader. After a short trip to the grocery store in which I acquired not a single Mexican food product, I arrived home to my Cantina of Solitude to find that I had forgotten my key and locked myself out. A rather embarassing situation for the world’s foremost Tex-Mex superhero, I think you’ll agree.

My neighbors and I tried many ways to break into the Cantina, but the defenses were secure. Two paper clips, a bottle opener, a coat hanger, an electrical cord, and three expired credit cards lost their lives in the struggle. We had given up and called the locksmith when Tom Pearson decided to give it one more try. I promised to honor him on the weblog if he succeeded, and I think that that is probably what inspired his incredible feat. I braced against the door with my cheese-fortified powers while he wedged a screwdriver into the frame. Then behold! The door did open!

So keeping up my end of the bargain, I now honor Tom with the prestigious Bronze Tortilla of Valour. Thank you, Mr. Pearson, for your efforts here tonight.

QC gives away more GMail accounts — this time it’s easy!

So I logged onto the master computer in my Cantina of Solitude today to find that Jacob had left a fresh steaming pile of six GMail invitations for me to give away. His dog also left me a fresh steaming pile, but I don’t think I’ll find any takers for that one.

The last time I had one of these invitations to hand out the response was overwhelming. David Barzelay came up with a series of ten movie titles for me! David, you’ll be glad to know that Queso Crusader: First Blood… And By Blood We Mean Cheese is now in production. I will be played by Ray Romano, Natalie Portman will be my romantic interest Feta Girl, Orlando Bloom will play Dr Pepper Man, and John Cusack will have the much sought after role of Taco Boy. It’s going to be one hell of a movie.

Anyway, these GMail invitations aren’t the hot commodity they used to be, so I’m not going to make you jump through hoops to get them this time. I gave one to Taco Boy and the remaining five go to the first five people to leave a comment here. The contest is open to everyone except Qin Lan Xiao, who got himself forever banned from GMail the last time around.

The Queso Crusader awards the GMail account

First of all, let me thank you, Jacob, for granting me this space on your prestigious weblog. I am truly honored that you chose me to award your very first GMail invitation.

But before we begin, I must clarify one thing. It has been suggested that Jacob and I are one and the same person. I assure all of you that this is not the case, and that Jacob is not taking an extra long lunch break to write this blog entry. I, the Queso Crusader, am writing this from my Cantina of Solitude, which is not located anywhere near the center cubicle on the fourth floor of the George Mason Law School in Arlington, VA. Really, its not.

So now that thats cleared up, on to the contest entries for the best Queso Crusader and Taco Boy movie title!

Nick: The Fellowship of the Taco. Thanks for getting things started, Nick. That was my favorite of your three entries, yet not of all the entries. Better luck next time!

Mike: Queso Crusader: Say Cheese! Say Cheese? This isnt some buddy flick like Sunshine Cassidy and the Hop-Scotch Kid, Mikey. Taco Boy and I are mortal enemies. Maybe that title would work for me and Dr Pepper Man driving across Texas, dancing with senoritas to the rhythms of the mariachi bands, stopping in Dublin for a case of the good stuff… But not me and that maniacal Taco Boy.

Mike #2: The Quest for the Porcelain God. Not a bad idea, but I find the porcelain god about two hours after every bout with Taco Boy. Ill give you Second Runner Up.

Moving right along… Qin Lan Xiao says, I want a GMail account. Please send me one. Qin, your lack of creativity insults me. Not only am I not giving you the invite, but Im going to do everything within my power to ensure that you never receive one. Happy Hotmailing, Qin!

Wrath suggests Queso Crusader: Finding my GMail (Or was that my G-Spot?!) Trust me Wrath, youd know if it was the latter. Just ask Feta Girl about that night in the Swiss Alps after we finally apprehended the Fondue Fondler… or any of the peasants caught in the resulting avalanche.

Time to wrap this up. An honorable mention goes to Chris Duben for A Man and his Taco. First Runner Up goes to Taco Boy himself. Though it pains me to award him, I cant deny that Queso Crusader: Questionable Alliance would make one hell of a film. Suspense, ethical dilemmas, a final battle with floods of cheese and fire sauce that movie would have it all. Good work, T. B.

And now, First Place and the GMail account invitation go to

David Barzelay, who came up with this series of ten great movie titles:

Queso Crusader: First Blood… And By Blood We Mean Cheese
Queso Crusader 2: This Time It’s Not Just About The Nachos
Queso Crusader Cubed: Chile Con Muerte
Queso Crusader 4: Taco Boy and The Time Machine That Only Transports Mexican Food
Queso Crusader Part 5: With Great Salsa Comes Great Responsibility
Queso Crusader 6: You’re Gonna Have Gas Tomorrow
Queso Crusader 7: Queso Crusader Has An Identity Crisis But Resumes His Role As Vigilante Just In Time To Defeat Yet Another Incarnation Of Taco Boy
Queso Crusader, The Ocho: Taco Boy Goes To Hell
Queso Crusader 9: The Golden Tortilla Of Chichen Itza
Queso Crusader X: Queso Crusader Versus the US Border Patrol

I cant wait for number eight, Mr. Barzelay. A GMail invitation covered in hot, spicy cheese is on its way to your inbox!

Thanks to everyone else for playing. I have to run. I hear that Feta Girl could use a hand rounding up Gavin and the Gordita Gang…

The Return of Taco Boy

Ah, Texas — a state where the tortillas are fresh, the margaritas are cold, and the queso flows like oil. In a place like this a superhero can start to lose his edge. For the past week my will to battle the forces of evil has been evaporating, vanishing into the air with the sizzle of the spicy fajitas that make life so satisfying. I begin to wonder if I should lay down my arms, abandon my Cantina of Solitude, and return to civilian life. After all, there is a new generation of fromagian heroes to watch over Earth: Captain Brie, Feta Girl, Monterey Jack. They are young and brash, but they learn quickly.

Tonight, as my salsa bowl finally ran dry and the mariachi band packed up their instruments, I felt just about ready to retire. Then a mysterious messenger approached, dropped a crispy shell into my lap, and faded into the shadows. It was a letter, a riddle wrapped in a mystery clothed in a taco.

I cracked open the shell, rummaged through the lettuce, and removed the paper. I could tell immediately who sent it. His grammar and spelling had improved, but his megalomaniacal bravado was as unabashed as ever. He had been silent for nearly a year. I should have known he had been plotting his return. Yes, the letter was from him. From Taco Boy.

Retirement will have to wait.
[Read more...]

A letter from Taco Boy

Ancient rivalries die and a new alliance takes shape, as The Queso Crusader receives a surprising offer from Taco Boy:

It was a hot summer day as I relaxed in my Cantina of Solitude with an ice cold margarita, a steaming bowl of queso, and a fresh batch of tortilla chips, when a note slid under my door. There was only one man who could reach me here, and I steeled my courage as I opened the envelope: it could only have come from my arch-nemesis, Taco Boy. But to my surprise, it was a letter of conciliation [signature typos and grammatical mistakes left in for authenticity]:

To my hated enemy, The Queso Crusher,

It seems that my nefarious plans to strand you in the UP have succeeded! Soon my minions will be upon you like so much fire sauce upon the luscious soft taco! While you may have been spending your time looking for something to do, I have been quite busy.

Upon the end of this thing you call “college”, I departed this country to bring Tacos to less fortunate people. I of course, refer to the people in your own nation who have not yet experienced the glory of tacos! Axl Rose, Bill O’Rielly, Steve Perry, and even Arnold Schwarzenegger looked upon me with teary eyes as I showed them the glories of the taco! Some of my critics have criticize me for not putting such efforts towards feeding the hungry. I tell you, there is a no-brainier when it comes to such nonsense. Which of these people looks more like they need a taco?
Axl Rose needs a taco

OR

No taco for you!

Clearly, the answer clearly Axl Rose. Think about it, there are tons of people willing to pay for the kid to get food. Who is going to make sure that such celebrities like Axl are exposed to such things? Also, he looks a bit famished after another concert.

After a month of doing such charity work, I felt the need for a vacation of my own. The place? The glorious Taco Bell that sits atop of Mt. McKinley! What a sight! AND I get all the Tacos I want!! It’s one of the best places I’ve been to — ever. Sadly, the Taco Bell hurtled to its doom to the bottom of the cliff. Guess we shoulda invested in that insurance. The only casualty was that annoying little dog. Ironic, aint it?

Mt. McKinley Taco Bell

I write this letter to you also to offer to you an alliance. Think about it. Queso Crusher and Taco Boy: ALLIES! The world shall tremble at our might! This is your last chance at redemption before I cover the world in fire sauce, and kill all the infidels.

Your Newfound Ally,
Taco Boy

Taco Boy, I accept your offer to bring tacos to the world, especially to the unenlightened celebrities. However, we will take no action until our alliance is complete. Yes, you know whom we need: Dr Pepper Man. Not just an alliance, but a Tex-Mex Triumvirate! Bring him into this, and the world belongs to us.

BuddyZoo back online

How many times must I tell you not to argue, Taco Boy? BuddyZoo is back online. Turns out it was only down due to hardware problems, not your silly school project theory.

Now anyone can sign up and see their AOL Instant Messenger network, and there’s nothing you or Dr Pepper Man can do to stop it!