Tonight, my friends, was not a high point in the career of the Queso Crusader. After a short trip to the grocery store in which I acquired not a single Mexican food product, I arrived home to my Cantina of Solitude to find that I had forgotten my key and locked myself out. A rather embarassing situation for the world’s foremost Tex-Mex superhero, I think you’ll agree.

My neighbors and I tried many ways to break into the Cantina, but the defenses were secure. Two paper clips, a bottle opener, a coat hanger, an electrical cord, and three expired credit cards lost their lives in the struggle. We had given up and called the locksmith when Tom Pearson decided to give it one more try. I promised to honor him on the weblog if he succeeded, and I think that that is probably what inspired his incredible feat. I braced against the door with my cheese-fortified powers while he wedged a screwdriver into the frame. Then behold! The door did open!

So keeping up my end of the bargain, I now honor Tom with the prestigious Bronze Tortilla of Valour. Thank you, Mr. Pearson, for your efforts here tonight.

So I logged onto the master computer in my Cantina of Solitude today to find that Jacob had left a fresh steaming pile of six GMail invitations for me to give away. His dog also left me a fresh steaming pile, but I don’t think I’ll find any takers for that one.

The last time I had one of these invitations to hand out the response was overwhelming. David Barzelay came up with a series of ten movie titles for me! David, you’ll be glad to know that Queso Crusader: First Blood… And By Blood We Mean Cheese is now in production. I will be played by Ray Romano, Natalie Portman will be my romantic interest Feta Girl, Orlando Bloom will play Dr Pepper Man, and John Cusack will have the much sought after role of Taco Boy. It’s going to be one hell of a movie.

Anyway, these GMail invitations aren’t the hot commodity they used to be, so I’m not going to make you jump through hoops to get them this time. I gave one to Taco Boy and the remaining five go to the first five people to leave a comment here. The contest is open to everyone except Qin Lan Xiao, who got himself forever banned from GMail the last time around.

First of all, let me thank you, Jacob, for granting me this space on your prestigious weblog. I am truly honored that you chose me to award your very first GMail invitation.

But before we begin, I must clarify one thing. It has been suggested that Jacob and I are one and the same person. I assure all of you that this is not the case, and that Jacob is not taking an extra long lunch break to write this blog entry. I, the Queso Crusader, am writing this from my Cantina of Solitude, which is not located anywhere near the center cubicle on the fourth floor of the George Mason Law School in Arlington, VA. Really, it’s not.

So now that that’s cleared up, on to the contest entries for the best Queso Crusader and Taco Boy movie title!

Nick: The Fellowship of the Taco. Thanks for getting things started, Nick. That was my favorite of your three entries, yet not of all the entries. Better luck next time!

Mike: Queso Crusader: Say Cheese! Say Cheese? This isn’t some buddy flick like Sunshine Cassidy and the Hop-Scotch Kid, Mikey. Taco Boy and I are mortal enemies. Maybe that title would work for me and Dr Pepper Man… driving across Texas, dancing with senoritas to the rhythms of the mariachi bands, stopping in Dublin for a case of the good stuff… But not me and that maniacal Taco Boy.

Mike #2: The Quest for the Porcelain God. Not a bad idea, but I find the porcelain god about two hours after every bout with Taco Boy. I’ll give you Second Runner Up.

Moving right along… Qin Lan Xiao says, “I want a GMail account. Please send me one.” Qin, your lack of creativity insults me. Not only am I not giving you the invite, but I’m going to do everything within my power to ensure that you never receive one. Happy Hotmailing, Qin!

“Wrath” suggests Queso Crusader: Finding my GMail (Or was that my G-Spot?!) Trust me Wrath, you’d know if it was the latter. Just ask Feta Girl about that night in the Swiss Alps after we finally apprehended the Fondue Fondler… or any of the peasants caught in the resulting avalanche.

Time to wrap this up. An honorable mention goes to Chris Duben for A Man and his Taco. First Runner Up goes to Taco Boy himself. Though it pains me to award him, I can’t deny that Queso Crusader: Questionable Alliance would make one hell of a film. Suspense, ethical dilemmas, a final battle with floods of cheese and fire sauce – that movie would have it all. Good work, T. B.

And now, First Place and the GMail account invitation go to…

David Barzelay, who came up with this series of ten great movie titles:

Queso Crusader: First Blood… And By Blood We Mean Cheese
Queso Crusader 2: This Time It’s Not Just About The Nachos
Queso Crusader Cubed: Chile Con Muerte
Queso Crusader 4: Taco Boy and The Time Machine That Only Transports Mexican Food
Queso Crusader Part 5: With Great Salsa Comes Great Responsibility
Queso Crusader 6: You’re Gonna Have Gas Tomorrow
Queso Crusader 7: Queso Crusader Has An Identity Crisis But Resumes His Role As Vigilante Just In Time To Defeat Yet Another Incarnation Of Taco Boy
Queso Crusader, The Ocho: Taco Boy Goes To Hell
Queso Crusader 9: The Golden Tortilla Of Chichen Itza
Queso Crusader X: Queso Crusader Versus the US Border Patrol

I can’t wait for number eight, Mr. Barzelay. A GMail invitation covered in hot, spicy cheese is on its way to your inbox!

Thanks to everyone else for playing. I have to run. I hear that Feta Girl could use a hand rounding up Gavin and the Gordita Gang…

Ah, Texas — a state where the tortillas are fresh, the margaritas are cold, and the queso flows like oil. In a place like this a superhero can start to lose his edge. For the past week my will to battle the forces of evil has been evaporating, vanishing into the air with the sizzle of the spicy fajitas that make life so satisfying. I begin to wonder if I should lay down my arms, abandon my Cantina of Solitude, and return to civilian life. After all, there is a new generation of fromagian heroes to watch over Earth: Captain Brie, Feta Girl, Monterey Jack. They are young and brash, but they learn quickly.

Tonight, as my salsa bowl finally ran dry and the mariachi band packed up their instruments, I felt just about ready to retire. Then a mysterious messenger approached, dropped a crispy shell into my lap, and faded into the shadows. It was a letter, a riddle wrapped in a mystery clothed in a taco.

I cracked open the shell, rummaged through the lettuce, and removed the paper. I could tell immediately who sent it. His grammar and spelling had improved, but his megalomaniacal bravado was as unabashed as ever. He had been silent for nearly a year. I should have known he had been plotting his return. Yes, the letter was from him. From Taco Boy.

Retirement will have to wait.
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