Chipotle for president

This fall has been a season of Tex-Mex disappointments for the Queso Crusader: first I failed to find my burrito soulmate, and then the World Series teams once again failed to win a free taco for every person in America. So many possibilities, squandered.

Fortunately, a sign at the local Chipotle brings good news! Buy a burrito, bol, or taco on the second scariest day of the year (Halloween), save the receipt, and bring it back in on the scariest day of the year (November 2nd) for a free meal. Drown your election day sorrows in a foil wrapped tube of spicy goodness, courtesy of Chipotle.

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All hail Thomas Pearson

tortilla.gifTonight, my friends, was not a high point in the career of the Queso Crusader. After a short trip to the grocery store in which I acquired not a single Mexican food product, I arrived home to my Cantina of Solitude to find that I had forgotten my key and locked myself out. A rather embarassing situation for the world’s foremost Tex-Mex superhero, I think you’ll agree.

My neighbors and I tried many ways to break into the Cantina, but the defenses were secure. Two paper clips, a bottle opener, a coat hanger, an electrical cord, and three expired credit cards lost their lives in the struggle. We had given up and called the locksmith when Tom Pearson decided to give it one more try. I promised to honor him on the weblog if he succeeded, and I think that that is probably what inspired his incredible feat. I braced against the door with my cheese-fortified powers while he wedged a screwdriver into the frame. Then behold! The door did open!

So keeping up my end of the bargain, I now honor Tom with the prestigious Bronze Tortilla of Valour. Thank you, Mr. Pearson, for your efforts here tonight.

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QC gives away more GMail accounts — this time it’s easy!

So I logged onto the master computer in my Cantina of Solitude today to find that Jacob had left a fresh steaming pile of six GMail invitations for me to give away. His dog also left me a fresh steaming pile, but I don’t think I’ll find any takers for that one.

The last time I had one of these invitations to hand out the response was overwhelming. David Barzelay came up with a series of ten movie titles for me! David, you’ll be glad to know that Queso Crusader: First Blood… And By Blood We Mean Cheese is now in production. I will be played by Ray Romano, Natalie Portman will be my romantic interest Feta Girl, Orlando Bloom will play Dr Pepper Man, and John Cusack will have the much sought after role of Taco Boy. It’s going to be one hell of a movie.

Anyway, these GMail invitations aren’t the hot commodity they used to be, so I’m not going to make you jump through hoops to get them this time. I gave one to Taco Boy and the remaining five go to the first five people to leave a comment here. The contest is open to everyone except Qin Lan Xiao, who got himself forever banned from GMail the last time around.

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The Return of Taco Boy

Ah, Texas — a state where the tortillas are fresh, the margaritas are cold, and the queso flows like oil. In a place like this a superhero can start to lose his edge. For the past week my will to battle the forces of evil has been evaporating, vanishing into the air with the sizzle of the spicy fajitas that make life so satisfying. I begin to wonder if I should lay down my arms, abandon my Cantina of Solitude, and return to civilian life. After all, there is a new generation of fromagian heroes to watch over Earth: Captain Brie, Feta Girl, Monterey Jack. They are young and brash, but they learn quickly.

Tonight, as my salsa bowl finally ran dry and the mariachi band packed up their instruments, I felt just about ready to retire. Then a mysterious messenger approached, dropped a crispy shell into my lap, and faded into the shadows. It was a letter, a riddle wrapped in a mystery clothed in a taco.

I cracked open the shell, rummaged through the lettuce, and removed the paper. I could tell immediately who sent it. His grammar and spelling had improved, but his megalomaniacal bravado was as unabashed as ever. He had been silent for nearly a year. I should have known he had been plotting his return. Yes, the letter was from him. From Taco Boy.

Retirement will have to wait.
Continue reading “The Return of Taco Boy”

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Earth Attacks!

President Bush announced today his plans for colonizing, I mean pre-emptively striking, our red neighbor Mars. “Once our troops have penetrated the Martian defense lines, it’s only a matter of time before we are able to penetrate Uranus,” said the Commander in Chief. Robert Saunders has the full story in the year’s first issue of The Slant.

Speaking of The Slant, writer and frequent commenter on this site Andrew Collazzi (a.k.a. my enemy Taco Boy) has begun his own weblog. His first post is entitled “I blame JaRo,” so I guess this travesty is my fault.

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A letter from Taco Boy

Ancient rivalries die and a new alliance takes shape, as The Queso Crusader receives a surprising offer from Taco Boy:

It was a hot summer day as I relaxed in my Cantina of Solitude with an ice cold margarita, a steaming bowl of queso, and a fresh batch of tortilla chips, when a note slid under my door. There was only one man who could reach me here, and I steeled my courage as I opened the envelope: it could only have come from my arch-nemesis, Taco Boy. But to my surprise, it was a letter of conciliation [signature typos and grammatical mistakes left in for authenticity]:

To my hated enemy, The Queso Crusher,

It seems that my nefarious plans to strand you in the UP have succeeded! Soon my minions will be upon you like so much fire sauce upon the luscious soft taco! While you may have been spending your time looking for something to do, I have been quite busy.

Upon the end of this thing you call “college”, I departed this country to bring Tacos to less fortunate people. I of course, refer to the people in your own nation who have not yet experienced the glory of tacos! Axl Rose, Bill O’Rielly, Steve Perry, and even Arnold Schwarzenegger looked upon me with teary eyes as I showed them the glories of the taco! Some of my critics have criticize me for not putting such efforts towards feeding the hungry. I tell you, there is a no-brainier when it comes to such nonsense. Which of these people looks more like they need a taco?
Axl Rose needs a taco

OR

No taco for you!

Clearly, the answer clearly Axl Rose. Think about it, there are tons of people willing to pay for the kid to get food. Who is going to make sure that such celebrities like Axl are exposed to such things? Also, he looks a bit famished after another concert.

After a month of doing such charity work, I felt the need for a vacation of my own. The place? The glorious Taco Bell that sits atop of Mt. McKinley! What a sight! AND I get all the Tacos I want!! It’s one of the best places I’ve been to — ever. Sadly, the Taco Bell hurtled to its doom to the bottom of the cliff. Guess we shoulda invested in that insurance. The only casualty was that annoying little dog. Ironic, aint it?

Mt. McKinley Taco Bell

I write this letter to you also to offer to you an alliance. Think about it. Queso Crusher and Taco Boy: ALLIES! The world shall tremble at our might! This is your last chance at redemption before I cover the world in fire sauce, and kill all the infidels.

Your Newfound Ally,
Taco Boy

Taco Boy, I accept your offer to bring tacos to the world, especially to the unenlightened celebrities. However, we will take no action until our alliance is complete. Yes, you know whom we need: Dr Pepper Man. Not just an alliance, but a Tex-Mex Triumvirate! Bring him into this, and the world belongs to us.

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