… would be less Googleable. The Agitator received a very strange email today complaining about his name:
I read foxnews.com everyday. I see your name on the site each day. ARE YOU KIDDING ME ??? !!! RADLEY BALKO ??? !!! it hurts my eyes just to look at it ! what the hell kind of name is that ? ! i won’t read your writings because of it.
it may be illogical, but humans are hard-wired regarding many things that they like and dislike. ugliness for one. most people can agree what is ugly, and your weird name is certainly high up on that list.
Since I’m sure Radley has been bawling about this all night, I’d like to admit that I, for one, have always envied his name. It’s memorable, it’s unique, it’s literary! It doesn’t get mixed up in search engines. It anagrams to “Adorably Elk.”
My own parents tried to pick something esoteric, but the damn trendsetters managed to saddle me with what became the most popular first name for American boys every year since 1999. And Grier? The family picked it to replace Goldstein specifically because it would blend in.
Now in age of Google I’ve got to compete with all these other Jacob Griers, like this ankle-biter who got stuck in a four foot hole and had to be rescued by the fire department. Four feet? Give me a break, son.
Then there’s this guy:
…from a living state to one of death, by the hands of Jacob Grier. …. Jacob Grier and in the name of law, said he was under arrest for the murder of …
Seriously, that’s the exact excerpt that shows up on Google when you search for my name.* On the plus side I did actually meet another Jacob Grier who hired me to come down to North Carolina and entertain at his Christmas party just because we have the same name. That in itself is a little weird, but made for the easiest ice breaker I’ve ever had as a performer working for a group of strangers.
Unfortunately, I don’t think there’s ever going to be quite enough Jacob Griers in the world for me to make a living doing magic tricks for their friends, so having a distinctive name is clearly the way to go. Radley, if you ever want to trade, you’ve got my number. (I’ll trade you domain names too.)
*It appears his name was really Geier, but Google doesn’t know this.
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Jacob Grier is a freelance writer, barista, mixologist, and magician in Portland, OR. He writes, eats, and drinks a lot. His articles have appeared in The Washington Post, Reason Online, The Oregonian, and other publications.
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You should be grateful we gave you that name. Who knows, you could have been christened something like Milo Minderbinder, Hedley Lamarr, Buck Turgidson, Slartibartfast, or even Scooter Libby!