A letter from Taco Boy

Ancient rivalries die and a new alliance takes shape, as The Queso Crusader receives a surprising offer from Taco Boy:

It was a hot summer day as I relaxed in my Cantina of Solitude with an ice cold margarita, a steaming bowl of queso, and a fresh batch of tortilla chips, when a note slid under my door. There was only one man who could reach me here, and I steeled my courage as I opened the envelope: it could only have come from my arch-nemesis, Taco Boy. But to my surprise, it was a letter of conciliation [signature typos and grammatical mistakes left in for authenticity]:

To my hated enemy, The Queso Crusher,

It seems that my nefarious plans to strand you in the UP have succeeded! Soon my minions will be upon you like so much fire sauce upon the luscious soft taco! While you may have been spending your time looking for something to do, I have been quite busy.

Upon the end of this thing you call “college”, I departed this country to bring Tacos to less fortunate people. I of course, refer to the people in your own nation who have not yet experienced the glory of tacos! Axl Rose, Bill O’Rielly, Steve Perry, and even Arnold Schwarzenegger looked upon me with teary eyes as I showed them the glories of the taco! Some of my critics have criticize me for not putting such efforts towards feeding the hungry. I tell you, there is a no-brainier when it comes to such nonsense. Which of these people looks more like they need a taco?
Axl Rose needs a taco


No taco for you!

Clearly, the answer clearly Axl Rose. Think about it, there are tons of people willing to pay for the kid to get food. Who is going to make sure that such celebrities like Axl are exposed to such things? Also, he looks a bit famished after another concert.

After a month of doing such charity work, I felt the need for a vacation of my own. The place? The glorious Taco Bell that sits atop of Mt. McKinley! What a sight! AND I get all the Tacos I want!! It’s one of the best places I’ve been to — ever. Sadly, the Taco Bell hurtled to its doom to the bottom of the cliff. Guess we shoulda invested in that insurance. The only casualty was that annoying little dog. Ironic, aint it?

Mt. McKinley Taco Bell

I write this letter to you also to offer to you an alliance. Think about it. Queso Crusher and Taco Boy: ALLIES! The world shall tremble at our might! This is your last chance at redemption before I cover the world in fire sauce, and kill all the infidels.

Your Newfound Ally,
Taco Boy

Taco Boy, I accept your offer to bring tacos to the world, especially to the unenlightened celebrities. However, we will take no action until our alliance is complete. Yes, you know whom we need: Dr Pepper Man. Not just an alliance, but a Tex-Mex Triumvirate! Bring him into this, and the world belongs to us.


  1. TacoBoy says:

    I agree Queso Crusher! The might of millions of gallons of Dr Pepper to drown an entire city can only be found from the likes of Dr. Pepper Man. We must find a way to persuade him to our side for he is the only man who would stand a prayer of a chance against the rain of fire sauce and rivers of queso that will cover the world when we are through! Dr. Pepper Man, I emplore you, for the good of your minions, “The Tennessee Titans” as you call them, join us. Or I shall personally shove soft tacos down Jevon Kerse’s throat until he fades from this world.

  2. TacoBoy says:

    Oh, and don’t think that these minions of yours are safe either:

    Steve McNair
    Samari Rolle
    The Dysons
    Coach Fisher

  3. Erin says:

    Jacob you’re so strange! In a word: odd. But beats correcting papers and paying my Old Navy bill online.

  4. Taco Boy says:

    In Ja-Ro’s defense, it was my insanity that prompted this. To make thigns clear, I’m a physics-math major with an astronomy minor. Also, as Ja-Ro can attest, I’d make Lewis Black seem sane.

  5. Ben Stark says:

    So, things are pretty much continuing as usual?

  6. Yeah, except that geography has prevented the usual Pub queso meetings and tossing the Aerobie on the Lawn (the two primary reasons I’m returning to Vandy, the whole matter of a diploma being a secondary consideration).

  7. Dr Pepper Man says:

    Don’t forget the essential third reason — Nashville is the home of the only person you know who keeps a ready supply of a certain mighty fine carbonated sugar cane beverage :)

  8. Justin Holmes says:

    The Dr. Pepper supply might be low if Dr. Pepper Man gets a job outside of Nashville.hehe.

  9. Dr Pepper Man says:

    Though not as low as it will be if Dr Pepper Man gets no job at all…

  10. Taco Boy says:

    Did anyone see the free taco for everyone in America offer during the WS? I was pissed no one hit a HR over there.

  11. A free taco for everyone in America? Axl Rose could sit down with the starving kid, and as they sated their hunger they could reflect on their common humanity and the basic human need for spicy ground beef. It could have been a beautiful thing.

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