Why I must not be allowed to have children

According to the Baby Center, whatever that is, Jacob is the most popular male baby name for the fourth year in a row in the United States. I can’t say that I care about that statistic one way or another, except that I’m glad I registered my domain name when I did. Now I don’t have to worry about some loser Jacob Grier getting the site and putting up something lame (as opposed to, say, this weblog). On the other hand, if some other Jacob Grier turns out to be really rich and successful I can sell the domain to him for large sums of money. You’ll know this has happened when you see more blog entries about really hot dates he’s been on and less about the challenges of making espresso. I come out ahead either way.

I will tell you this though: my kids aren’t going to have to worry about having the same name as everybody else. For instance, if I have a daughter I’m going to name her Wachel. I mean like Rachel, but with a W instead of an R. That way every time she introduces herself people will think she has a speech impediment.

I know that may sound cruel, but at least she’ll have a unique name and she won’t have to worry about having a dozen other Wachels in all her classes. She’ll thank me someday, I’m sure.

Besides, she won’t have things nearly as tough as her younger brother Thteve.


10 thoughts on “Why I must not be allowed to have children”

  1. I have always been found of naming children after really kick ass stuff like: Mercedes, Dragon, River, or Vibrations. Or start their name with The as in The River. Then all of the single moms will want to date the awesome guy who named his kid with such creativity, thus making my wife jealous, and satisfying all my desires.

  2. I have a friend who teaches first grade in New York and she once had a little boy in her class named ‘Urmajesti’. She referred to him as ‘Mr. Adler’ whenever possible.

  3. I think your super cool kids Wachel and Thteve will probably be hanging out with my kid – Lucifer Pootsky. My plan is to have a monstruosity (is that how you spell it?) of a son – 6’10”, 300 pounds, you know, linebacker-esque. I want my son to be a role model to kids with names like Wachel, Thteve, Jawakatima, Latte, Shawn-Qu’netta, Gaylord, Ignacio, etc. When my kid walks down the mean halls of high school – I want people to think “Damn, I’d make fun of his punk ass name, but he’d probably kill me…”

  4. How dare you threaten my future grandchildren with such ridiculous names!!! You’d best reconsider. Remember, your participation in our will is at stake!!!

  5. Jacob, you are a bastard, and you just got taken off my list of potential trophy husbands. I agree that you should give your child a unique name (having been stuck with the oh so scintillating and unique Sarah all my life), but Thteve? Even I’m not that cruel, and I hate children (please temporarily forget that I’m an elementary school teacher.)

  6. Lucifer: Darn tempting. It’d be like evalgelist-proofing your child before he was even born. Or painting a bullseye on him, depending on how you look at it!

    In other name news, there’s now a British rock band named Gintis! The whole band took our name, and according to a comment I found, they actually named themselves after Herbert, a economist in our family. I really got a kick out of the quote I saw on one of their listener comments pages: “Gintis is the savior of rock!”

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