Ah, Texas — a state where the tortillas are fresh, the margaritas are cold, and the queso flows like oil. In a place like this a superhero can start to lose his edge. For the past week my will to battle the forces of evil has been evaporating, vanishing into the air with the sizzle of the spicy fajitas that make life so satisfying. I begin to wonder if I should lay down my arms, abandon my Cantina of Solitude, and return to civilian life. After all, there is a new generation of fromagian heroes to watch over Earth: Captain Brie, Feta Girl, Monterey Jack. They are young and brash, but they learn quickly.
Tonight, as my salsa bowl finally ran dry and the mariachi band packed up their instruments, I felt just about ready to retire. Then a mysterious messenger approached, dropped a crispy shell into my lap, and faded into the shadows. It was a letter, a riddle wrapped in a mystery clothed in a taco.
I cracked open the shell, rummaged through the lettuce, and removed the paper. I could tell immediately who sent it. His grammar and spelling had improved, but his megalomaniacal bravado was as unabashed as ever. He had been silent for nearly a year. I should have known he had been plotting his return. Yes, the letter was from him. From Taco Boy.
Retirement will have to wait.
To the Queso Crusher,
A lot has happened since my last letter to you my friend. Since then, I have been bribing government officials, planning, scheming, obtaining materials, lazing about, drinking, constructing my secret base, tossing the aerobe around, cutting my enemies down, and of course, eating massive quantities of Tacos and Queso. I cannot tell you where I am at the moment. To borrow from your leaders, I am currently at a “Undisclosed Location”.
My plans for world domination are coming quickly into order. Through my superior planning and stealth skills, I have managed to steal the necessary materials to make my base, and my SFSQ bomb. As I may have hinted at before in one of my many responses to your logs, SFSQ stands for Super-hot Fire Sauce and Queso Bomb. I have already begun systematically placing these around the world. Within a few months, I shall be able to cover every major AND MINOR city on Earth with devastating queso and fire sauce.
In the panic, I will be able to take command of the planet. There are those who have said that mere fire sauce and queso won’t be able to stop me, but they are fools. Whether he knows it or not, Dr. Pepper Man will be forced to put a stop on the world’s supply of Dr. Pepper to the world. Imagine tons of people with all that fire sauce and queso, and NOTHING TO WASH THEIR THROATS!!! Muahahahaahah!! Also, the arsenal of nuclear devices I got off Saddam will help.
I have been informed from my spies that you often like to check how people search for, or even on your website. Apparently, there are many people that perform searches for my letter, or my other cryptic notes about my plans. I know that these cannot be the people in power, because they have been… taken care of. I then realize that these people must be people who are interested in my leadership.
I therefore am offering a once in a lifetime chance to your readers: a chance to join the Taco Boy Elite Squadron. As a member of the Taco Boy Elite Squadron, you will be able to assure that you and your families will be spared as I seize power. Once this is done, you will also be able to have the opportunity to become a sub-governor in the New Order. For those of you not in the loop, I have appointed 7 regional governors to dictate continental policy. Basically, these governors will undoubtedly need some people to help maintain the smaller regions. Who knows? Maybe you’ll be granted an island in the Caribbean by (name withheld), governor of North America. Or perhaps you’d like an island in the Aegean? You would of course have to talk to the Queso Crusader about that. All you must do is pledge your allegiance to me as a reply here, and send an email to Dromlarid57@hotmail.com , telling me your name, the tract of land you wish after you are discharged, and of course, how I know you. This offer is therefore only open to people who can reveal the TRUE identity of TACO BOY!!!
I am offering your readers a chance of a lifetime here Queso Crusher. I suggest you send them down the correct path. I wish you the best of luck coming the end of your college career.
See You at Capitol Hill,